Take Me Away
by Bloody Sunset
Summary: A song-fic that shows better what I thought Buffy was thinking in 'Entropy'.. Please R


A/N Due to an extreme writer's block on my other story, sorry about that guys. And then I heard this song... it just screamed at me and I had to write something about it. Spuffy, and please, just because I write B/A, doesn't mean I hate B/S, to tell the truth, I like both couples.... Riley on the other hand.... I just don't like him.  
  
Anyway, this takes place during _Entropy_ (in my views of thoughts, and what could have happened) so the **ARE** spoilers in this fic. Leave now if you don't want me to wreak the episode for you. You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: Have I said this enough? I don't own the show, the characters, or the song '_Take Me Away_' by Avril Lavigne, of which this fic is named after.  
  
**Take Me Away**  
  
Buffy blinked, but didn't make a move to show her emotions, but to someone looking at her, they showed pretty well. On the computer screen in front of her, Willow had tapped into Warren, Jonathan and Andrew's hidden camera system. And what they were seeing on the screen would have brought Buffy to tears if Xander, and Willow weren't there.  
  
Spike and Anya were in the Magic Box, having sex on the table, obviously oblivious to the fact that there was a camera less than ten feet from them, and that the rest of the scoobies were watching what they were doing.  
  
A look of pure hurt crossed over her face, and her mouth opened slightly in surprise. Emerald eyes widened a bit, and tears were still threatening to fall.  
  
But then again, what had she expected? She had told Spike off so many times, he could do what ever he wanted. They weren't even together, not that Buffy would have ever admitted that they ever were. Why did this hurt so much? How many times had she told Spike to get over her, and that he needed to move on, stay away from her?  
  
_I can  
  
Not find  
  
A way  
  
To describe it  
  
It's there  
  
Inside  
  
All I do is hide_  
  
She glanced at Xander, finding the sudden need to see his reaction to the situation. Sure, he had left Anya at the alter, but he still loved her. From the look on his face, he was feeling the same was as Buffy, only difference was he wasn't afraid to show his reaction.  
  
Buffy couldn't, her friends would never understand what she and Spike had had. Sure, she would never say it was love, but she truly wasn't sure. She felt for Spike, she really did, but was it love? Was that why she was feeling this way, or was it just possession? Did she feel that Spike was hers? Was he?  
  
No. Spike was living (sort of) on his own free will, but he let her come back to him, even after she had told him she was using him. Still, he loved her, did that mean anything to her, or was she just fooling herself, keeping her feelings locked up from him, and even herself?  
  
_I wish  
  
That it  
  
Would just   
  
Go away_  
  
And then there were her friends. What was she to tell them, after how she went on and on about how she hated his guts, and would kill him if not for that chip in his head, when really she knew she could never kill him. Not with how she felt t this point in her life.  
  
Buffy knew she needed him to survive, after coming back she had needed something. He had become that something. How do you explain that to your friends?  
  
Yeah, I'm having sex with my worst enemy because you guys ripped me out of heaven, and now I find myself needing him every night, and I can't get over him. That would go over well, and now, seeing what was going on with Anya and Spike, she didn't even feel like she could face Xander.  
  
_What would  
  
You do  
  
You do if you knew  
  
What would you do_  
  
Still, the first couple of weeks had been hell for her, literally. She remembered the first words she had said after she had been brought back.  
  
"Is This Hell?"  
  
She had truly believed it to be at that point. Waking up in her coffin, digging her way out, having to move, having to breathe, just having to live was hard for her. There wasn't anything she wouldn't have done to get back what she had had in Heaven, but she wouldn't leave her friends again, not after what they had done to get her back.  
  
_All the pain  
  
I thought I knew   
  
All the thoughts lead back to you_  
  
And that's really where Spike had come in, where his place was in her small legacy she was creating was. Not exactly where he belonged, but it was where he was, and she needed him there. He was the first one she had told where she had been, where she had thought she had been.  
  
But now, with what was going on, Buffy couldn't ever believe she had believed that he had loved her. She couldn't explain why this hurt so much, or why she cared what Spike was doing, other than it was Anya with whom he was doing it with.  
  
_Back to what  
  
Was never said  
  
Back and forth  
  
Inside my head_  
  
Maybe she should have explained to Spike how she felt, and what was really going on, instead of just throwing insult after insult at him, and expecting him to just take it. She could have told him she loved him to. But she would never lower herself to say that.  
  
Why?  
  
What was going on with her, why was she acting like this? Why were her friends opinions effecting her like this, why wasn't she just letting herself let go of morals, and letting herself live, and love, again?  
  
_I can't handle this confusion  
  
I'm unable  
  
Come and take me away_  
  
Buffy stood up, and walked quickly out of the room, stating that she couldn't watch this. She retreated to the back yard, and was soon joined by Dawn. Questioned about her and Spike, and she found herself admitting to being with him, and feeling for him. Saying how it was complicated, and how she really couldn't explain it to herself, let alone Dawn, Xander or Willow.  
  
It wasn't that she didn't trust them to know, she was just afraid of their reaction to the situation, and finally telling someone made her feel better, instead of making her feel ashamed like she thought it would.  
  
_I feel  
  
Like I  
  
I'm all alone   
  
All by myself  
  
I need to get around this   
  
My words are cold   
  
I don't want them to hurt you_  
  
A lot have happened over the last couple of weeks to her, things her friends would never know, things she would never let them know. Things with Spike, things with demons, but mostly things with Spike.  
  
The sex, the conversations, the fights. A lot happened between them, and Buffy now knew that she had screwed up with him, and she had ended up as hurt as he was, though she didn't know that. The fights always had ended badly, she had hit him, cursed him, told him he was a _thing_ that didn't deserve to be here on earth.  
  
The sex he was having with Anya was something she couldn't explain. She believed what he was doing might have been out of spite of her, or because he never cared for her. But deep down, she knew that wasn't true, she knew he cared. But this headstrong slayer couldn't understand, no, wouldn't understand.  
  
_If I   
  
Show you  
  
I don't think you'd understand   
  
'Cause no one understands_  
  
"Buffy, Xander's gone, he took your axe." Willow said, coming out from inside, and looking down at her concerned.  
  
Buffy looked up at her, then instantly sprung up, and bolted in the direction of the Magic Box, hoping to reach it before Xander destroyed Spike.  
  
Running down the streets, she wasn't sure if she would make it there, even with her slayer speed, Xander did have a head start, and she couldn't be sure if Xander hadn't already made Spike a big pile of dust.  
  
_All the pain   
  
I thought I knew  
  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
  
Back to what   
  
Was never said   
  
Back and forth  
  
Inside my head_  
  
She turned the corner, and the Magic box came into view. She saw Xander swing his axe at Spike, saw him miss, and the axe get stuck in the door, and Spike back away. Every thing went in slow motion as she watched Xander begin to beat Spike up, knowing that Spike couldn't fight back because of the chip.  
  
She froze for a moment, not knowing what to do, and also knowing Spike would be dust if she didn't move fast.  
  
"Xander, stop!" she found herself cry out.  
  
He turned to look at her; both Spike and Anya's eyes followed his gaze. She walked over to them and Xander let Spike go, and proceeded to yell at Anya. Then Spike did what Buffy had been dreading.  
  
"It was good enough for Buffy...."  
  
"Don't bring her into this...." Xander said, then realization hit him. He was stunned, he couldn't speak.  
  
Blinking, he looked at Buffy, questioning her. Buffy wouldn't meet his gaze, and he knew it was true. He was disgusted, and now oblivious to Buffy or Anya's feelings. He turned and walked away, silenced by a reality he didn't want to know about.  
  
_I can't handle this confusion   
  
I'm unable   
  
Come and take me away_  
  
Buffy looked at Spike, then turned and ran, as fast as she could away from him, almost in tears. She knew that was how Xander would react. His look was filled with so much distrust, she couldn't take it. It hurt her so much to see her friend like that.  
  
She knew she would have to explain to him about what she needed, and that she couldn't always tell him everything, and she knew that wouldn't go well. It couldn't go well, not now, not after what Spike and Anya hade done, she couldn't be sure if Xander would even listen to her ever again.  
  
_I'm going nowhere  
  
(On and on and....)   
  
I'm getting no where   
  
(On and on and....)  
  
Take me away   
  
I'm going nowhere   
  
(On and on and off and on and off and on....)_  
  
She finally stopped running when she reached her house. She looked at it, and then turned away from it. Willow would be there, Dawn too, and she couldn't face them, there would be too much explaining to do, and she couldn't explain, not without talking to Xander first.  
  
But where was Xander, where had he gone to, would he come back? Buffy leaned against the large oak tree in her front yard and slid down to the ground, allowing the tears to fall down her cheeks.  
  
Letting the pain of Spike's betrayal to her, and her betrayal to her friends let loose, letting it all out, trying to make sense of it with her tears. But it wasn't that simple, this wasn't a problem crying could solve.  
  
_All the pain  
  
I thought I knew  
  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
  
Back to what  
  
Was never said   
  
Back and forth  
  
Inside my head_  
  
She pulled her knees up to her chest and took a deep breath, trying to get the crying to stop, trying to calm down. It didn't work; she tried again, another breath, more thoughts. Why did she feel this way, why was this so difficult, and why did she have to deal with this? Was her life supposed to be this close to being Hell? Or was Hell even worst than this?  
  
She doubted it, but at the same time believe it. This was Hell to her because she had never really been there, and she never wanted to, not if it would be worst than this. She could hardly take this.  
  
_I can't handle this confusion   
  
I'm unable  
  
Come and take me away_  
  
Buffy closed her eyes, and felt the fatigue of the events of that day wipe her emotions, and her body shut down. Her arms went lip, and let her legs drop; laying straight in front her, her head slumped forward. She let sleep take over, and for the first time in hours, she just didn't feel.  
  
The blank dreams she had didn't matter, she was escaping from her own little bit of Hell on Earth, the land she would have never had to deal with if not for her friends. If not for Magick, or for the love of her friends, she would not be here.... again.  
  
_Take me away   
  
Take me away   
  
Take me away_


End file.
